Dating Advice
by RegenesisX
Summary: In which Cloud wishes Zack would just stick to asking Angeal about these sorts of things...


**Author's Note: **So this was just a quick little something I threw together in about an hour and a half or so. Just for kicks :P _  
_

As per usual with many of my stories, Cloud is a SOLDIER Third under the training of Genesis Rhapsodos.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FFVII

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**Dating Advice**

_"My first kiss went a little like this..." ~ My First Kiss, 3OH!3_

_"Hello?"_

_ "Hey, Cloudy."_

_ "Oh, hi Zack."_

_ "Look, uh… Can I talk to you?"_

_ "Isn't that what you're doing now?"_

_ "No! Wait, yes but—Arrgh! Where are you?"_

_ "Genesis' office."_

_ "…Ugh. Alright, I'll be there in a minute."_

Cloud snapped his PHS shut and leaned his head back against Genesis' shoulder pauldron. "Zack's coming over."

"Oh joy," the commander muttered under his breath. "Where the hell am I supposed to push this box?"

Every once a while, Genesis would find new things to amuse himself with while procrastinating on his office work. His most recent obsession was old puzzle computer games. A few weeks ago, Reno had cleaned out his drawers and found a bunch of them and given them to him. From what Cloud could gather, this game involved a lot of moving of boxes, navigating pathways to avoid enemies or trapping yourself, and Genesis swearing.

"He sounded serious this time," he commented idly.

The redhead snorted. "Maybe he's lost his marbles."

Rolling his eyes, Cloud elbowed him. Genesis elbowed him back.

It wasn't long before Zack Fair burst into the office looking considerably more subdued than he usually did. He pulled himself out of his thoughts long enough to give Cloud and Genesis a slightly confused look. "Don't you two look comfy," he said.

From his place squished sideways on Genesis' chair, leaning against the commander's side with his legs hanging over the arm, the Third shrugged. "You said you wanted to talk?"

"Yeah," Zack turned apprehensive, shooting Genesis a wary glance.

"He's not paying attention," Cloud said. "Are you, Gen?"

"Oh screw you, you stupid thing that blows up in my face!" the commander yelled.

The Second shuffled awkwardly, moving to lean against the wall near the desk. "Well… There's this girl," he blurted. "And I really like her and I _really_ want to take her out on a date, but I'm afraid to ask her."

Cloud raised his eyebrows. "So you're coming to _me_ for advice?"

"Erm, yes?" Zack sheepishly scratched the back of his head.

"Wouldn't someone like… oh, I dunno, _Angeal_ be better?" the blond asked. "I mean, _Sephiroth_ probably has more experience with girls than I do."

"But that's why you're perfect! Your opinion isn't tainted by bad dates or crazy women."

"It's not tainted by good dates or nice women either."

The brunet huffed. "Work with me here, Cloud," he said. "Let's just say if you were to ask a girl out on a date, where would you take her?"

"Uh… maybe to the movies?"

"No!" Zack cried. "What if she hates the movie I picked? Or I hate the movie she picked? Or she thinks I just want to make out in the back row?"

Slapping his forehead, Cloud groaned. "I told you not to ask me, Zack."

"BOX!" Genesis suddenly shouted. "Damn it, box! I hate you! Rrrrgh! _My soul, corrupted by vengeance…"_

"Okay… How about if you and _Genesis_ were dating—"

Cloud gave him a _really_ weird look right there.

"Just hear me out! If you and he were dating, where would you go?"

As much as he hated the extremely odd question, it had a painfully obvious answer. "To see _LOVELESS,_ of course," he replied, then quickly added, "The play."

Furrowing his brow, Zack tapped his chin. "Hmm… I don't know if she _likes_ plays."

"Well maybe you should find out more about what she likes before you take her out on a date."

"That's what a date is _for,_ Spiky."

"And I've never dated anyone!"

"Am I interrupting something?"

Both Cloud and Zack turned to see Sephiroth in the doorway, holding a can opener and looking rather hesitant to enter. The blond's trained eye quickly determined that particular can opener was one of the ones Genesis kept in his bedroom. What the general was doing with it, Cloud had no idea.

"Sephiroth!" Zack exclaimed. "If you were taking a girl out on a date, where would you take her?"

The Silver Demon of Wutai blinked, then frowned. "What is a… date?"

"Are you serious? You don't know what a date is?" the Second gaped.

Shaking his head, Sephiroth strode into the room to lay the can opener on Genesis' desk as quietly as he could. The redhead didn't take any notice. "No. Should I?"

"Of course! Everyone should know about dating! You _really_ don't know what it is?"

"No, Zack."

"Ugh. Dating is kind of like hanging out, only it's with a guy and a girl and you go out and do fun things to get to know each other."

Cloud could tell the general didn't really get what the Second was saying. "I see," Sephiroth replied. "Why would I need to take a girl on a… date?"

"Hypothetically," Zack amended. "If you and a girl were going on a date, where would you go?"

The silver-haired man thought for a few moments. "Perhaps out to dinner?"

At that, Zack's whole body deflated and he sighed in frustration. "I can't do that," he moaned. "I don't know any good restaurants!"

"Wait," Sephiroth interject. "I thought _I_ was taking someone out on a date."

Before the Second could explain, a knock sounded from outside. The office door opened and an infantryman poked his head inside, eyes going wide at the sight of all the SOLDIERs in the room. After all, Commander Rhapsodos was scary enough all by himself. He nervous stepped inside, clutching his stack of papers to his chest.

"I-I, um, have reports for C-Commander Rhapsodos?" he stammered, glancing from Sephiroth to Genesis to Cloud to Zack and back again.

"Just set them on the desk," Cloud advised, pointing to a partially-empty spot on the dark wooden surface. "He'll get to them later."

"Random cadet!" Zack said. "If you were going on a first date with a girl, where would you go?"

Visibly swallowing, the infantryman scratched his head. He looked like he was going to pee his pants. "I, uh, I'd um… Maybe t-to the p-park, sir?"

"AH!" Genesis shrieked, slamming his fist down on the desk and making the cadet jump. "Why didn't they tell me those stupid blocks were going to disappear after I stepped on them? Damn it, now I'm stuck out here! Shit."

Zack ignored him. "Mm… Well, there's only one park, and that's in the slums," he said, pursing his lips. "I don't think she'd want to take a walk around the slums."

Shaking, the cadet shrugged. "I'm sorry, sir," he whispered. "I, I don't get out much."

"You and me both," Cloud muttered under his breath.

And then, as if things couldn't get any weirder—and Genesis' office couldn't get any more crowded—the door slid open _again_ and in sauntered none other than Reno the Turk.

"Heya—" he stopped short, taking in the sight before him. "I didn't just walk in on another cadet sacrifice to the Goddess, did I, yo?"

The infantryman's eyes somehow managed to go even wider and he turned a little green. Cloud worried he would pass out right then and there.

"Reno," Sephiroth chided in a warning tone.

"Thank the Goddess you're here!" Zack exhaled a long breath of relief. "No one here has been _any_ help at all."

Both Sephiroth and Cloud adopted looks of offense; the cadet just looked sick.

Reno, on the other hand, grinned. "What can the Great Reno help ya with, Fair?"

"Where would you take a girl out on your first date?"

"First off Fair," the Turk started, turning serious. "I date _women_, yo. Not girls. After using my amazing charm and charisma to woo them, I take them out for a drink. Somewhere classy, though. Not some run-down joint in the slums. Then, depending on how the night goes, either I go home and she goes home or we both go home together."

Zack make a choked noise. "I don't want to get her _drunk_, Reno!"

"Ay, you ask for advice, I give. But it works, yo."

Cloud yelped in surprise when Genesis suddenly shot to his feet. "YES!" he howled, punching the air with his fists. "YES! HELL YES! I WON! I DID IT! I DID IT! I am SO AMAZING!"

Then, while the room stared in shocked silence, the redhead turned to Zack.

"Why don't you just ask _her_ where she wants to go?" he suggested.

Astonishment was clear in the Second's expression. "That's… that's a _great_ idea, Genesis!"

"Duh," the redhead rolled his eyes. "And while you're out on your date, make sure to give her one of these."

Before Cloud could register what was happening, hands were grabbing the front of his shirt, hauling him up and then Genesis smashed their lips together.

He was pretty sure he blacked out for a few seconds out of pure, utter mortification.

Frantically flailing his arms, the blond fought to push his mentor off with no avail. Finally Genesis pulled back, making the loudest audible _POP!_ noise known to man, then dropped him back in the chair.

Reno burst out into hysterics.

Cloud was pretty sure his face rivaled the Turk's hair in color.

"Hold on a moment," Sephiroth said, sounding rather confused. "You and Cloud aren't dating, are you?"

The blond opened his mouth, but Genesis beat him to it.

"Perhaps. What brings this up?"

Reaching underneath the desk, Cloud found the power strip the commander's computer was plugged into and switched it off. The computer monitor went black.

"What the—I HADN'T SAVED MY GAME, CLOUD!"

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**A/N:** Yup...

_**RegenesisX**_


End file.
